Dating Dilemma: What’s Worse – Being With An Imperfect Man Or Being Alone?
By Julie Ferman
As women, one of our “gifts” from our Creator is our amazing ability to discern. In the grocery store, we girls are masterful at picking out the absolute best banana from the bunch, the juiciest grapefruit and the freshest, most delectable tuna filet. Being picky about fruit and fish? This is good…
But being overly picky about the men we choose to date? Oh my…not so good. As a professional matchmaker for over twenty years, I will say with confidence that the greatest barrier I see between today’s modern day single woman and finding partnership is exactly this – her Fussy Factor – being overly picky or fussy about things that really shouldn’t matter all that much.
Here’s how to know if you’ve fallen into the Too Picky Trap. Take a look at your list. You know…The List that you probably have written up somewhere. It’s on your phone, on a legal pad from a workshop you did once, or it may even be on a slip of paper that you keep in your wallet. It’s The List of all of the qualities and characteristics that you have envisioned for yourself in your Ideal Man. If you’ve never created Your List, then … now’s the time – Do it now!
Here’s the good news. As your friendly neighborhood matchmaker, I don’t care how long that list is. I’ve worked with female Clients who have 30, 50, even 70 elements on The List. But now comes the tough part; My professional and sisterly advice is for you to choose your Top Five Critical Criteria. These are the elements that, if missing in your future partner, would make it really hard for you to be happy in the relationship. Now – even tougher – choose your Top Three Critical Criteria. Not easy to do, but oh so powerful.
The secret to doing dating well is to take advantage of all opportunities that come your way. If a man is hot for you (he’s reaching out to you online, he’s calling you, he’s trying to catch your eye…) and if this guy seems to have these Top Three Critical Criteria, then oh my… give this guy a shot. Get on a date with this man and be 100% engaged and present during this date. If you’re not sure about him after that first date, AND if you see that he DOES have these Critical Criteria, give him a second date. And then a Third Date after that.
Research has shown that we need to be with a new person three times before “bonding” begins to happen, so don’t be the girl who quickly dismisses a suitor because he doesn’t fit those fictitious mind’s eye pictures of the Ideal Man.
Case in point: My Client, Laura – she’s gorgeous, successful, bubbly, happy – She has oodles of what we call “Romantic Market Value” – this is good, right? Well… actually it makes her love search that much more challenging, as the more she has to offer, the more selective she will be. But then worse… the guy who actually DOES appeal to her, who has lots and lots and lots of the elements of appeal on her list? THAT guy is typically super selective too, and too often, he’s holding out for the perfect woman as well…the perfect woman who we all know doesn’t really exist. In reality, THAT guy is too often shooting out of his league too, by targeting a woman who’s out of reach for him in terms of age, looks, status, etc., and so he stays single and lonely for years and years and years. Nearly perfect people, alone on the sidelines of love for years and years, missing each other for such silly reasons. This makes me cry.
Back to Laura. While she was pining away for some studly guy she’d met online, who seems to have all the goodies, and yet who is NOT initiating a second date with her, she nearly missed meeting Jason, the guy I REALLY wanted her to light on. She initially said No to meeting Jason because he’s two inches shorter than her ideal. And get this – Laura is 5’2” tall. She had always vetoed men who were less than 6’0” tall, and yet when we studied her list of Critical Criteria, height didn’t make the Top Three at all. What MOST mattered to her was that Her Guy be successful, ready for marriage and kids, and FUN to be with. How tall he is? That element was much farther down on her list of what really matters to her.
The great news? Laura and Jason did meet. They fell in love, they’re engaged to be married and they have started their life journey together. She is so happy that she didn’t allow herself to be so picky and fussy that she might overlook a really fine gentleman.
Play with your lists, ladies. And if you’re not in my world yet, oh my goodness… register privately with me for free here: www.JulieFerman.com so I can find you when I’m searching for my gentlemen Clients. I offer a whole menu of matchmaking services and dating coaching services to both men and women throughout Los Angeles and Ventura Counties and I’d love to know you.