I Am Tired Of The Eggshell Dance
By Marianne Simon
You know what I mean. Tired of worrying about what people think. Tired of worrying about hurting people’s feelings. Tired of being afraid to make a mistake. Tired of talking quietly, cautiously. Tired of making waves, tired of tiptoeing thru life.
I’m tired of holding it in, sucking it up. Tired of keeping it back. Tired of smiling until my cheeks crack. Tired of not trusting myself, tired of not believing I am loved.
For my whole life I have lived in the shadow of the giant eggshell. Like most, probably started with my family. With listening to the endless arguments between my mother and father, where my father accused her of being a ball buster, because she would not let him be the man of the house? Because she dared disagree with him? Because she might not like some of his choices? Because he had no friends. To my father, She was the reason for all of his failings….
At the age of 12, I dared to sneak off to a party that I had been told I could not go to. But the punishment for this minor crime was not your typical grounding or revoking of privilege, but rather 3 days of being ignored, not spoken to, rendered invisible. On the second night I reached out to ask for forgiveness and he literally turned his back on me and walked away.
Is that not one of our greatest fears? To be cast out, ostracized, found unworthy and sent from the tribe?
And from that day on, I rarely strayed. I found the straight and narrow and I hugged it close. I rarely talked back, did all I could to please, to make him happy, became the supreme diplomat. And that is how I have lived for years.
But how long can we keep up the charade until something starts to slip. Until someone notices the desperateness in our eyes? Until we begin to act out, act in? Until we sabotage ourselves with too much food, to much drink, too much t.v? Until one day we stand at the edge of the precipice, the smile finally gone from our faces, and seriously consider jumping off.
many years, my freedom, my escape came thru my creativity, my writing, my performing. There on stage, on paper I could finally release all that was me – all my shadows, my sorrow, my ugliness, my sins. In the world of my creativity I could finally be myself – the full spectrum of the human experience.
This winter solstice something shifted. After attending a ceremony I finally came face to face with this realization – that I was no longer a child. That I had projected my father’s fears into every relationship I had. That for too many damn years I had buried, hidden, smothered all that I was. That I had lived the vast majority of my life as a sliver of the glorious being that I was.
So this is my resolution this year. That I will no longer worry about the eggshells. That I will go out into the world, perhaps a bit awkward at first as I re-learn how to walk as myself. This is the year I will not be afraid to stumble and fall. This is the year I will not second guess every word that comes out of my mouth. This is the year I will howl like the wolf, soar like the hawk, laugh like a hyena, dance like a fiend.
Because ultimately, this is all that we can do – live our life, be ourselves. This is the year I will strip the veil, take the chance, and leap into the precipice and fly.
To your journey!
Marianne Simon is the founder of Speak Your Passion, dedicated to helping speakers create inspiring presentations that spread their message and build their business. With over 20 years as an actress, director & writer and 12 years experience as a landscape designer, she recognizes the power of Nature and creativity in supporting our dreams and visions. For more information contact Marianne@Speak-Your-Passion.com, or call at 310-399-4899.